Saturday, September 1, 2007

One Joke

This is the only joke I have ever been able to remember in my whole life:

Bob and his buddies Jim, Ted, and Fred, lived to play golf. Rain or shine, hot or cold, every Saturday they teed off at the country club.

One Saturday, however, Bob came home a little late.

"How was golf today, dear?" his wife asked him.

"Oh, it was okay," he said, "only, Jim died on the 5th hole."

"Oh, no, that's terrible!"

"Yeah, it was. We had to hit the ball, drag Jim, hit the ball, drag Jim. . ."

43 comments:

Nancy P said...

And I don't even play golf.

Happy long weekend!

Family Man said...

Morning Nancy.

I've never been that good at remembering jokes. But I used to have a boss that collected jokes. He had about five 3" binders full of page after page of jokes. The odd thing is, he wasn't that funny himself.

Hope your w/e is going good.

Tara said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
katiebird said...

Good Morning Nancy & FamilyMan!

Well, you've got one joke more than me.

And it made ME laugh.

Hows things?

Nancy P said...

Things are great, if you don't count stuck books. But who cares in such perfect weather? And best yet, I got to have a conversation with a hummingbird today. It perched on the wood lattice beside the feeder and faced me. I chatted it up, and it stayed for quite a nice time. I hope they get used to me being around.

How's your head, kb?
I hope the wedding was a nice one.

Nancy P said...

Family Man, there's probably a connection between the fact that he wasn't funny himself, and the fact that he kept jokes? Like, I buy CD's cause I can't do music. :) In my next life I'm coming back as a concert pianist Wimbleton champion.

Nancy P said...

I pass this along to any short story writers out there. I got it in an email today:

NOTORIOUS PRESS, a new small press publisher featuring mystery/crime and related genre fiction, is now taking submissions for two short story anthologies. The editors are currently reading submissions from both professional and new authors for the following projects:

HOW'D THEY DO THAT?, edited by Jenifer Nightingale-Ethier, will feature
"quirky" mysteries, with each story having a crime that is committed or solved
in an unusual way. Query & submit to: editorjen@notoriouspress.com

HARDBOILED HORROR, under editor James Van Pelt, seeks tales including elements
of both Horror and Mystery. Variety of style and tone is OK, light and dark
stories will be included. Query & submit to: hardboiledhorror@aol.com

This is a paying market, and more details, including full submission guidelines, can be found at the company website:

http://www.notoriouspress.com

Note: I'm sending this invitation to you and other authors as information
only - not suggesting that I can promise you a spot in the books. That decision
is totally in the hands of the editors, who will receive many more submissions
than they can accept. But there are no "reserved" slots, so these are totally
open anthologies. If you do have short stories on these themes looking for good
homes, or know others who might like to submit, please consider it or pass it
on to your friends and writers groups.

Thanks!

Doug Wood, Notorious Press

Family Man said...

Good morning again Nancy and good morning KB.

I saw the comment before it was deleted and I was wondering if it was for real. There has been a lot of spam going around on Blogger lately.

KB I hope your h/a is better. You know me and a h/a. You have all my sympathy.

Nancy I think you're right about my old boss and jokes. He just didn't have it in him for telling jokes.

Nancy P said...

You don't have to mow this weekend, do you, fm?

Family Man said...

I need to since I've kept putting it off all week, but what's another day. :)

Do you have big plans for the w/e?

Nancy P said...

I think my big weekend was spent all last night, lol, when I had dinner out with friends. Today is housecleaning and going over to Sally's to write.

What's on the agenda for Non-Labor Day for you?

Family Man said...

Nothing at all. There are things I should be doing, but I decided to slack some more.

Enjoy your writing today.

Beth said...

Happy Saturday, folks! Sounds like a relaxing weekend for everyone. I think I found a place to live, finally. I'll truly believe it when I'm actually sleeping there, since signing a lease doesn't seem to signify anything down here.

It's a gorgeous duplex, two bedrooms, newly renovated. In the neighborhood I wanted. Probably 4-5 miles from the beach. The owner herself showed it to me - she's a realtor, and said it was mine come Monday. I'll let you know, but I'm cautiously optimistic.

Thanks so much for all of your support - it feels like I'm not alone, dealing with all of this, with you all out there!

Don't mow, fam - it'll just grow again. :-) And enjoy Sally's, Nancy. I can't remember jokes for more than 5 minutes. That one is cute!!

Happy weekend, everyone!

Nancy P said...

Fingers crossed, Beth! I bet you wish it was Monday already.

Beth said...

You betcha, Nancy! I'm tired of living in my car. I don't even remember what's in the trunk - it's so full I can't open it! It'll be like Christmas when I unload it. If this one falls through, I'm moving to Kansas. :-)

I cheated and asked my friend to send me my favorite joke - pretty sad when you have a favorite joke and can't even remember it!

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench one evening looking at the moon and talking.

One blonde says to the other, "What do you think is farther away........Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says, "Helloooooooooooooooooooo, can you see Florida from here?"

Nancy P said...

lol!!

Kansas has pleennntty of room, and lots of empty farmhouses. :)

Beth said...

I love farmhouses!! I've always wanted to buy an old farmhouse and restore it. One of these days...

Sorry if I insulted blondes. I should have used brunettes, so I could insult myself...

Nancy P said...

I've been blonde all my life (with help), except for mistaken forays into red and brown, and I've always loved blonde jokes.

Beth said...

I guess I could start telling gray jokes...I'm a brunette thanks to my hairdresser. I did one of those computer-generated hairstyle programs once, where you can try different styles? One was blonde - Beth will NEVER be a blonde. It was scary. :-) Have always wanted to try red, though...hmmm....

Thanks for the mulligan, N.

Nanette said...

I'm so glad to hear that I'm not the only one who only knows (or can remember, that is) one joke!

Family Man said...

Glad to hear you found a place Beth. Now you just have to get your toe in the front door, and dare em to throw you out. :)

Waving hi to Nanette.

This has been a very slackerly day and the weather has even been nice. Even if the weather hadn't been nice, it was still going to be a slackerly day.

Nancy P said...

Hi, Nanette! Sally said the same thing, that she always thought she was the only one who could remember only one joke We are legion. :)

I'll tell her joke (with her permission) since she's busy writing and I'm only pretending to:

There were two men at a bar on the 15th floor of a skyscraper. One of them said to the other one, "This is the most amazing building. You can jump out a 15th floor window and there's something about the way this place is built that sucks you back in on the 9th floor."

"No way!" the other man said.

"I"m not kidding. I'll show you."

And with that, the first man got up from the barstool, went over to the window and jumped out. Just a few minutes later, he walked back in the door at the back of the bar, and sat down.

"Oh, my god," The second man said. "I don't believe it. It has to be some kind of trick."

"I'll do it again," the first man offered, and he did. Again, a few minutes after jumping out the window, he walked back in, and his suit wasn't even mussed.

"That's the most incredible thing I've ever seen," the second man said. "I've got to try it!"

He walked to the same window and leaped.

The bartender leaned toward the first man and said, "Sometimes, you are such a jerk, Superman."

Beth said...

Oh, that's TOO funny!! I've never heard that one. Thanks for the laugh, Nancy (and Sally)!

At least you have a nice place to pretend, N....are you on that lovely porch again?

Nanette said...

Hi Nancy! Hi Family Man!

We are indeed legion... where there are three, there are more! Or something like that. And I might as well tell my one joke too. It's a little long (and gets longer with all the embellishing I do... since it's my one and only joke, I have to keep grooming it). Anyway, here goes:

There was an old woman who lived in an old rickety, wooden house in a hot, dusty place that sat in the middle of nowhere. The woman spent her days sitting on her old rickety rocking chair, staring out at vast expanses of nothingness, with only her mangy old tomcat for a companion.

One day a fairy godmother (or something) suddenly appeared on the porch and said, "Old woman! You've waited a long time and now I am here to grant you three wishes, and three wishes only, whatever you desire. Choose your first one!"

The old woman immediately said "I want you to turn me into a young, nubile, beautiful woman!" No sooner had she spoken when she was transformed into a young woman of great and irresistible beauty.

The fairy godmother, wasting no time, said "Choose your second wish!"

The now young woman looked around at her dilapidated surroundings and said, "I'd like a big, beautiful home, full of gold and lovely things, and a big yard with grass and trees and a pond!" As she spoke, it was done, and it was as she had wished.

The fairy godmother (or whatever) then said, "Choose your third, and last, wish! And choose wisely - I'll not be by this way again soon, it takes a long time even for me to get to the middle of nowhere."

The young woman looked around at the beauty surrounding her, wondering if she should wish for a city outside her gates, or at least a nightclub, but then her eyes fell on her long-time companion, her mangy old tomcat, who was sitting there looking at her in a pleading way. Well, as much as cats are able to look pleading instead of imperious, that is. How could she forget him?

She came to a decision. "My last wish is that my old tomcat be turned into a handsome young man, the most handsome ever, and that we will be together always."

As soon she she spoke the fairy godmother (or so) disappeared in a poof, and the now young woman looked around to see, on her gold porch, the most handsome young man she had ever beheld, who was now her companion forever.

The young man smiled and moved toward her with a sexy, languid stride, taking her in his strong arms and nuzzling her neck, at the same time whispering...

"Well, my only love... now are you sorry you had me neutered?"

Nancy P said...

Nanette, you just made three people guffaw--me, Sally, and her husband, Don.

And, Beth, yes! I'm on that porch. And I just WROTE and I LIKE it! Maybe I should try to remember a joke for next Saturday, too. :)

katiebird said...

I've got one! My sister sent me this one a couple of days ago (it's long) ....

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more a attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.

Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

BUT, DID YOU KNOW:
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

Nanette said...

lol Nancy, yay! It's only fair as I've been here giggling at all you guy's jokes.

Nancy P said...

katiebird, you made three people guffaw, too!

katiebird said...

It was a great treat to come back from my grumpy-brother's house and find joke-day.

And since I can't actually remember any jokes, I'm glad I still had this one from my sister.

I couldn't remember much about it so I did a search through my inbox on "boobs" -- It's amazing how many messages that found!

Nancy P said...

Is your headache all gone, kb? If not, maybe we can laugh ti away.

Nancy P said...

"it" not "ti"

Wine with dinner.

katiebird said...

Oh, yes -- the headache left when the head cold arrived.

And a glass of wine would be wonderful (slinking off to the cabinet)

Nancy P said...

A cold is marginally better than a head cold, yes? :) I hope so.

(lifts glass) Cheers.

Nancy P said...

Jeez, I swear I have just had one half glass of wine!

"A head cold is marginally better than a HEADACHE."

katiebird said...

hic

Beth said...

Heck, ladies, I haven't had ANY wine and I read what you wrote and didn't see the mistakes until you pointed them out...maybe my rum and coke affected my eyesight. Maybe I need another one!

Great jokes! Thanks for making me laugh!!

I love the boob joke!! A friend sent it to me recently - a male friend, of course, and one who is a self-professed boob man.

Sorry about the headache AND the cold, kb - I recommend echinacea, garlic, Vitamin C - lots of all of them. Goldenseal and astralagus if you have them. Chicken soup. Hugs from mister. Virutal ones from us!

Beth said...

Oops - astragalus. Hic too! :-)

Beth said...

I'm not even going to mention misspelling virtual...I think you guys jinxed me!!

Nancy P said...

I'm laughing and hiccing.

I really really like what I wrote today. It's been a while since I could say that. Tomorrow, please be as good! And Sally's been writing like a fiend, too.

FARfetched said...

Beer at my side, trusting to my MacBook to catch spelling pisstakes, I offer one of my favorite jokes (i know a bunch of 'em):

A biker ended his fantasy road trip as he'd always dreamed: on the beach in southern California, watching the sun set over the Pacific. Something shiny at the waterline caught his eye, and he walked over to dig it out of the sand. As he brushed it off, a genie appeared. "Dude, you found my lamp. What's your wish?"

The biker thought a moment and said, "You know, I've just finished up this road trip, and it was every bit as good as I'd imagined. I was just thinking, if only I could ride to Hawaii. I wish for a bridge to Hawaii."

"What? Are you kidding?" the genie sputtered. "Do you have any idea how much concrete and steel that would take? It's 2500 miles, man! It would need rest stops, hotels, restaurants… c'mon man, make a different wish!"

The biker nodded. "Yeah. Hey, my wife left me last year and I never could figure out what the problem was. I wish I could understand women."

The genie sighed. "You win. Two lanes or four?"

Nancy P said...

LOL!! I love that one, far!

Beth said...

I'm glad you like what you wrote today, Nancy. Tomorrow WILL be just as good! You're on a roll...

So the formula is Sally (and her porch), wine, hummingbirds, jokes...is everyone making notes?

I've been watching college football all day - my butt is numb, but lots of great games. Tomorrow I'll try to get out of the hotel room and socialize...something I'm not very good at. I'd rather stay here and talk to you all!

Good night, everyone.

Beth said...

While I was writing, FAR added his joke. Cute one! Lucky man, knowing more than one joke...joke envy here! :-)